TradeMe $100k job application: in which I resort to both puns and the use of Justin Bieber (things are not good with me financially)

Dear Kia Motors of New Zealand,

Re: Parts marketing specialist

After reading your job ad over a marathon three day stretch in my toilet last week, it is with much trepidation that I apply for the position of Parts Marketing Specialist. I say ‘trepidation’ because your ad states that the “challenge and reward this role provides is designed to attract quality applications”. But please hear me out (I have a friend who once admonished another friend for beginning a sentence with a conjunction. But I doubt anybody else born after 1927 actually cars (this was initially a careless spelling mistake, but is now a brilliant pun) about that anymore.).

You might be wondering why I read the ad last week and I’m only writing to you this week. I would too!

Anyway. Car parts: nope, can’t say as I know much about that stuff, but here’s what I do know: Kia’s from Korea and Korea has a new supreme ruler after the old one died giving birth to Justin Bieber, and the new one’s his other sun (another spelling mistake cum pun, and I’ve got to say, a much weaker one, but do let me know your thoughts), and it hasn’t made one jot of difference to the brilliant synchronised marching of their (your?) army, which is great, because I love those film clips of them in front of Tiananmen Square and that kind of place. Look out Japan!

I note you are looking for someone to “meet the demanding standards of one of the world’s fastest growing motor vehicle manufacturers”, and I suspect that it wouldn’t be throwing an ampersand in the works to say that those standards may have been subtly undermined by your proofreading of that sentence.

Proofreading is a skill of mine, as you already know if you have read any of my previous job applications (and I hope you have, since I have sent you 46, but I would understand if you haven’t, since it is only recently that I stopped writing them in Chinese. Sorry about that). 

You should also know that proofreading is the only skill of mine. I am admittedly including this fact late in the letter, and that is no accident.

I note that you say some other stuff, but A) It’s mostly in orange bullet points and B) It outlines responsibilities that I could easily offload after a few weeks by saying to Danny the new guy: “Danny, would you mind just liaising closely with all KMNZ staff to identify opportunities for increased efficiency and performance?”

And so on.

Regards,

Greg